Chapter 4
I became withdrawn since that night. The spark was gone out of me. I looked sad and just sat in daze wondering how I could end my wretched life. I started to cut myself all over with razor blade but my blood did not run out on that cold windy day. The bed was drenched with my blood.
“How did you get those cuts, Jackie,” a woman asked. I looked deeply into space and her words did not summoned me. The frazzled girl sprawled in the sofa half-drunk with a bottle in her hand. I felt a sharp blow to the shoulder and I discover Cherry was shaking me violently.
“What is wrong with you, stupid child?” she asked.
“I felt and I got those bruises,” Jackie said, “there is no need to be angry.”
“Are you dumb child, can’t you look where you are going?” Cherry screamed.
“Yeah!” the stoic girl cried, “sorry I just don’t know how to walk.”  I started wearing long sleeve clothes and pants to hide the cuts.
“You got a lot of cuts, just try to be more careful ok,” Cherry said. I ran from Cherry and collided into a wall. Big John smiled at me and helped me from the ground.
“We need to talk J, I will be waiting in the bathroom,” Big John whispered into my ears.  Tears broke and I ran away passed by aunt Michelle and hid under the bed. My eyes caught the feet and a hand pulled me as I struggled.
“Didn’t I told you, to go to the bathroom,” the sharp words followed a slap to the cheek. I dashed to the bathroom. I heard a knock and Big John entered and I started shaking. He undressed and pushed his private part in me and exploded in me. The door began to rumble.
“Who is in there, hurry up I got to go,” my aunt’s voice startled us and I shouted,
“Aunt Michelle you have got to help me,” Big John grabbed my arm and twisted it and covered my mouth. His private part was still in me. I stood in agony in the tiny ceramic bath. Slowly the water poured and the door drummed with knocks from my aunt.
“You, lazy child you better get out this minute,” the words came flying and the pain rocked my body.
“I will be out in a bit, I am soap up and taking a shower,” I said quickly and Big John released me.
“I am almost done,” Big John said as he caressed me.
“I swear I am going to tell,” I breathed but Big John’s hand gripped my neck and he whispered, “I will kill you.” I got a beating from my aunt for staying in the bath room so long. I was outcast to the room for the rest of the evening. I heard screams and shout. There was an argument. Big John and my aunt were fighting and everyone was screaming and crying. I crept from the dark place and hesitantly crawled to the room that I lost my innocence. It was there I was raped. My eyes ran wild at the persons dancing in hysteria. Big John had his hands around the short fat woman’s neck and she gripped his private part. Blood gushed from my aunt’s face. Big John was sweating and his face was ugly like a stormy sky. Everyone screamed, “no!” at the sight of me. My aunt managed to escape the suffocating hands and grabbed a knife and rushed at me.
Cherry grasped me and pushed my aunt to the ground and grunt, “I will deal with her.” What happen next shock the house? She began to beat the shit out of me. So I screamed, “uncle Marcel fuck me?” and the beating got worse until she stopped and belched, “you sick my stomach, now we will have to find somewhere and go, all because of you.” I was molested at age 7. Cherry beat me for it all because I didn’t tell her and the man forced me to suck his dick and that man was my auntie boyfriend. I was outcast to the room for weeks. No one spoke to me.
“I became germs, shame and was the cause of all the cursing and fighting that followed,” I thought. I began cutting myself.  Each cut on my body was my tattoo of the pain and abuses I felt. Each cut was a piece of me that was torn away by sex.
A  car’s horn brought my eyes to the broken window. My body grew cold and I shook violently. Cherry came to the room for the first time and looked me over with a scorn.
“I’m not going anywhere with that freakier,” I cried.
“J, take the bags to the car,” Cherry ordered. Jackie dried her eyes and glimpsed into the mirror.
“I am not going next to that man you better take them yourself,” Jackie screamed.
“What you said,” Cherry’s voice echoed and she looked straight at the trembling child.
“I hate that man, he mess up my life,” Jackie shouted. Cherry sprung toward her and shook the frightened girl.
“That man sick my stomach. I am not going to stay with him just leave me here.” Jackie cried. The woman slapped her face twice and pushed her toward a table.
“Take up those bags now and be nice to that man. We are forever grateful to him,” the harsh voice said, “that man helps us, he help you and provided a roof over our heads, give us food to eat so forget the f ok. Blood cant F. Get out of my sight with your lying lips,” Cherry proceeded to beat Jackie until she grabbed the bags and hurried toward the car.
“Have you thought about what I say,” the man in the car begged with his hands reaching for Jackie.
“Don’t say another word, you are sick, you got issues,” Jackie beckoned.
“But doll, I feel something for you,” said the man as he lounged closer to the frightened child.
“No, no, no,” Jackie screamed, “no, no…I am sick of this, of you.” Jackie covered the man’s mouth with her hands. Suddenly Cherry appeared.
“Get your bloody hands off that sweet man, you hear me child, “ Cherry shouted, “before I blood you up,”
“Calm down, she didn’t mean anything by it,” the man said. We arrive at Francis’ house hours later. We started to live at Francis’s house and Cherry continued working for him, washing and cooking for him. Things were normal. Every Sunday we were in church and I feel like someone care about me. The cuts had healed and I blocked out the abuses and I was a child again. The urge for sex was still in me. As I grew older I wonder if getting baptized could change those desires. So at age 9, I decided to give in to the Holy Ghost.
Cherry by then had given in to parties and lovers. She did not live with us anymore and she worked at a pub. I stay at Francis’s house with a boy named Bert.
“Yeah it was nice being there,” I told my friend one Sunday.
“That’s right. I’m on my way to church with Bert and friends with the priest,” I said.
“Priest really can preach” Chin said.
“And he is caring too,” I thought. My skin crawled into fear.  Francis was always looking at me in a strange way. He reminded me of Big John. Big John was in prison serving time for almost killing my aunt. He had ambushed my aunt from work and stabbed within inches of her life.
“I was the cause of it,” the children said at school, “I skipped school as much as I can for the streets.” I blocked out those thoughts and jumped into my bed.
“I’m warm and comfy back in bed. I just finished playing dress up out of boredom!” I thought.
“Yeah, but thank God for the red dress because you look really pretty in it,” I thought I heard Francis’ voice. The pert was standing there all along with pleasing eyes watching me change into different dresses while I played dress up. He kissed me good night and said God would bless me and held me tight.
“Remember to pray now dear and sleep good now,” the dirty words crawled down my ears.
“Thank you, I will. You do the same,” I lied. I wanted him to go somewhere and never return. He left the room and my eyes wandered to the phone.
“Thanks, I just checked in with them again and they are ok, the rain just started here but Chin said its been raining non stop since yesterday,” Jackie said with excitement in her voice.
“Nothing going on down here so far but I hear that you guys eastward will be getting the worst of it. Please be safe ok. “ I said.
“Thanks I’ll try” Jackie beckoned.
“Yeah baby I will. Ok then later,” Jackie said and pulled the sheets over her head.  I woke up the Sunday morning excited. The priest had entered my room.