I’m moving house this weekend and after a week of packing I’ve come to a startling conclusion… I really need less stuff.

It really makes me think that Irish travellers have everything right, there’s no packing up little boxes of stuff for them. Their home is one giant box of stuff on wheels. And everyone knows that when you put something on wheels that it increases it’s fun potential by at least 200 per cent.
Which is why I came up with a great way to move my cats to the new house… put them on Roller Skates!

I’ll send them on their way to the new house with roller skates attached to their paws. Obviously I don’t expect all the cats to work out how to get there without some help… I’ll give them a Sat-Nav. Or should I say “Cat-Nav”.

I’m sure I’m not the only person to say this, but I can’t think of anything worse than moving house. I survived the move because the diy movers were efficient with the relocation. If you’ve never moved house then believe me when I say that moving house is worse than turning up to a restaurant to find your blind date is Katie Price.
If you want to know how bad moving house is, imagine turning up expecting to go on a date with Katie Price then finding out it isn’t actually Katie Price, but Alex Reid in Katie Price’s clothes.

Actually that’s a little unfair, because there is a redeeming feature of going on a date with Alex Reid dressed as Katie Price:

He’s pretty strong, so he could probably help you move house.

I have a few things to look forward to once I’ve moved house.

Firstly, once I’ve moved house I no longer have to move house.

Secondly, once I’ve moved house I can relax and enjoy the thought of not having to move again.

And finally, once I’ve moved house I’ll finally be able to get my roller skates back from my cats.

Whenever people move house the first question they’re asked is “When are you having your House Warming party?”. Which loosely translates into “How long after you move into that lovely new house will you let everyone come round and drunkenly trash it?”.

Because obviously packing up an entire house, transporting it and then unpacking it isn’t difficult enough. Once you’ve moved in you have to invite everyone round, let them all eat your food and drink your alcohol before you clean up after them.

If I’m having a house warming party then I’m making sure I hire a bouncer in case anything gets out of hand. And if you get an invite to my housewarming you better be on your best behaviour because Alex Reid isn’t the kind of man to take any rubbish, especially when he’s wearing his lovely new dress.